Rules To Live By
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill
and a laxative on the same night.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't
do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian
anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural
stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one
you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a
glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life
is serious.
8. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter,
is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay
attention! It never fails.)
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite
government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably
need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of
checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts
feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness
of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw
away three weeks before you need it.
