My SSR: 2004 Redline Red SSR "HTRDGRL" Born On 8/19/2004 SSR Theme Song Chevrolet by Foghat
Stress Management Tip
Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management
technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny
thing is that it works.
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called the world.
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a
cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you are holding
underwater.
My SSR: 2004 Redline Red SSR "HTRDGRL" Born On 8/19/2004 SSR Theme Song Chevrolet by Foghat
Need an excuse for next time.....
A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new red ssr
convertible.
He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind
blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.
"This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed the
pedal to the metal even more. Then, he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a
highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren
blaring.
"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he
stomped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph.Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing."
He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to
catch up with him.
The trooper pulled in behind the SSR and walked up to the man.
"Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today
is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've
never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked at the trooper and replied, "Well, years ago, my wife ran off
with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her
back."
A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new red ssr
convertible.
He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind
blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.
"This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed the
pedal to the metal even more. Then, he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a
highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren
blaring.
"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he
stomped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph.Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing."
He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to
catch up with him.
The trooper pulled in behind the SSR and walked up to the man.
"Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today
is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've
never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked at the trooper and replied, "Well, years ago, my wife ran off
with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her
back."
KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with
the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her
head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been
holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had
exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.
When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over
an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
Linda is a blond, but I'm certain that's irrelevant.
A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.
He throws the kite up in the air, the wind
Catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.
He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband,
"You need a piece of tail."
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,
"Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."
A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.
He throws the kite up in the air, the wind
Catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.
He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband,
"You need a piece of tail."
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,
"Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."
My SSR: 2004 Redline Red SSR "HTRDGRL" Born On 8/19/2004 SSR Theme Song Chevrolet by Foghat
Words Women Use
Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology. Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know its true
1.) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!
9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, "what's wrong", for the woman's response refer to # 3.
My SSR: '06 Smokin Asphalt,6Spd,BD:12-19-05,XM,Magnaflows,X-Rodz '59 caddies #5,4.11' Gears
Elderly Humor
Elderly Humor
A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well
groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a
good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an
upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady,
in her mid-eighties.
The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes
a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
<><><>< ;><><><>
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a
set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor
said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit
around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
<><><><><><><>
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench
under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years
old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
<><><><><>
(Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.)
However, a lady, while working as a student nurse, found one elderly gentleman
already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet
who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to
the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing
out of her hospital gown."
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay,
but they might want to start writing things down to help them
remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his
chair.
"Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she
asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write
it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it
down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!
Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness
sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands
his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast?"
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It
cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's
perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath,
he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."
Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology. Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know its true
1.) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!
9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, "what's wrong", for the woman's response refer to # 3.
So that boils down to any time a woman is talking, she is pissed or about to be pissed???
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Lori
VIVA DE FUNK
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