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'06 FPR Smokin Asphalt; '04 Ulta Violet
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For you biker guys
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Lenny Etheridge
May 1 at 10:21 AM
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with a cleavage to die for.
"I'm okay I think." I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."
"That's nice of you," I answered, "But I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"My guess is that she's still in the ditch."
 

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Sunday Funnies:
1.
An Indian scouting party captures a cowboy from a bar and brings him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, “You going die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. At sundown third day, you die. What first wish?”

The cowboy says, “I want to see my horse.” The indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse’s ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the back. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comesback with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, “Typical white man… only think one thing.”

The second day, the chief says, “What wish today?” The cowboy says, “I want to see my horse again.” The indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse’s ear, then slaps it on the back. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, “Typical white man going die tomorrow … can only think one thing.”

The last day comes, and the chief says, “This last wish, white man. What want?” The cowboy says, “I want to see my horse again.” The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, “Read my lips you idiot! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!”

2.
Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: “What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?”

Tom says: “I would switch one train to another track.”

“What if the lever broke?” asks the inspector.

“Then I’d run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there,” answers Tom.

“What if that had been struck by lightning?” challenges the inspector.

“Then,” Tom continued, “I’d run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box.”

“What if the phone was busy?”

“In that case,” Tom argued, “I’d run to the street level and use the public phone near the station.”

“What if that had been vandalized?”

“Oh well,” said Tom, “in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo.

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked “Why would you do that?”

“Because he’s never seen a train crash.”
 

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A woman goes to the hospital for surgery on a very intimate part of the anatomy down below which has very large lips. On waking up from the procedure she notices three large bunches of flowers. She inquires as to who they are from and the nurse tells her "You have one from the surgeon, the other is from your husband and the third bunch is from a man in the next ward thanking you for his new pair of ears"
 

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Twofer Tuesday Funnies:
Two 95 year old men, Jack and Sam, are huge baseball fans.
One day, Jack falls seriously ill, and doesn’t have long to live. Sam visits him in the hospital to say goodbye. Sam asks him a favor before he passes.

“Hey Jack, when you get to heaven, can you see if there is baseball there? If there is, tell me.”

“I can certainly try, for my best friend.”

Later that Wednesday night, Jack passed away. Thursday night, Sam is asleep in bed, when all of the sudden Jacks spirit appears in front of him.

“AHHHH! Who are you?”

“Calm down, calm down. It’s me Jack.”

“Good hell, you scared me half to death.”

“It’s ok, but I’ve come with good news and bad news.”

“Well, what’s the good news then?” pondered Sam.

“There is baseball in heaven.”

“Thank goodness,” said Sam, feeling wonderful, “but what’s the bad news?”

“You’re pitching Tuesday.”

I only drink on days beginning with "T"
Tuesday, Thursday, today and tomorrow
 

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Ms Donna's Driver
04’ Silver and 05’ Sinister
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The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: “I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,” she said proudly, “My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.”
“Very good,” said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next:
“I sold magazines,” she said, “I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.”
“Very good, Jenny,” said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn. The teacher held her breath.
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk. “I made $2,467,” he said.
“$2,467!” cried the teacher, “What in the world were you selling?”
“Toothbrushes,” said Little Johnny.
“Toothbrushes!” echoed the teacher, “How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?”
“I found the busiest corner in town,” said Little Johnny, “I set up a Dip and Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample.”
They all said the same thing, “Hey, this tastes like dog crap!”
Then I would say, “It is dog crap. Wanna buy a toothbrush?”
“I used the government’s approach of giving you something crappy for free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth.”
 

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Three for Thursday Funnies:
Duck duck Goose
A policeman pulls over an old man in a pickup truck because the bed of his truck is full of ducks. The officer says, “Sir, it is unacceptable to have this flock of ducks downtown, take them to the Zoo this instant!”
The old man confirms that he will and drives off. The next day the officer sees the same man in the same truck still full of ducks. Only this time all the ducks are wearing sunglasses. The officer pulls him over again and yells, “I told you to take these ducks to the Zoo!”
The old man replies, “I did! But now the little buggers want to go to the beach!”
Boomerang Wife
An man buys a sports car and is really beginning to enjoy it when he sees flashing lights in the rear view mirror. He guns it and is rapidly up to 160mph when he realizes what he is doing. He slows down, then pulls over and soon the cop pulls up behind him.
The cop comes up to the window and asks, “What were you thinking, taking off like that?”
“Well,” the man replies after thinking about it for a bit, “a few years ago a highway patrol officer ran off with my wife.”
“What does that have to do with anything.”
“I thought you were bringing her back.”
Quality Control
Mid-80s, mired in quality issues and having its lunch eaten by the imports, Ford arranges a fact-finding tour of a Honda factory. After having the opportunity to observe various parts of the manufacturing process, the delegation finally makes its way to the final assembly line where they are taken aback by a strange sight: as finished cars roll off, a worker occasionally takes a newborn kitten out a box and puts it in a random car.
The tour guide explains: “We take quality extremely seriously. If we come in in the morning and the kittens are dead, well, the assembly is good; if they are alive we have sealing issues!”
6 month later, a GM delegation is invited to a Ford plant to observe the implementation of the Japanese best practices. As the tour is about wrap up, a similar scene unfolds: as the finish cars roll off, a worker tosses full-grown cats into random vehicles.
Tour guide proudly explains to the astonished GM delegation: “That’s one of the Japanese techniques. We take quality very seriously: if we come in the morning and cats are alive, job well done; if they are no longer in the car, we got sealing issues!”
 
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