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One of the SoCal Nuts
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27,952 Posts
Home Schooling!

A few giggles for your morning...sorry 'bout the format...
Most of our generation of 60+were HOME SCHOOLED in many ways:
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning..."


2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle
of next week!"

4. My father taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why ."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going
to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an
accident."

7. My father taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS..
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't
exaggerate!"

13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE..
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world
who don't have wonderful parents like you do..."


16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE .
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are
going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My father taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't
come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you... Do you think you were born in a
barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand..."

25. My father taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

This should only be sent to the over 60 crowd
because the younger ones would not believe
we truly were told these "EXACT" words by
our parents...
 

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Premium Member
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5,091 Posts
Discussion Starter #524
Young college graduate got his first job at a well-known national drugstore chain. His first job was at a store and deep South Alabama. On his first day of work he seen a young lady walking back and forth in the sanitary napkins department looking really bewildered. He walked up and says mam can I help you look confused. She said yes I just got my period for the first and I'm looking here, there's Maxi there's mini there's all kinds and I don't know which one to choose. he looks at her and he says well ma'am what kind of flow do you have. She looks at him and says wees got linoleum.
 

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The Susan Lucci of ROTM
2004, lowered, custom paint
Joined
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1,894 Posts
A man walks into an ice cream shop, looks at the choices and says " I'll have a scoop of chocolate please." The clerk says" I'm sorry sir we're out of chocolate"
The man looks around some more and says " then I'll have a cone with chocolate ice cream." The clerk's responds " I'm sorry sir, but like I said we're out of chocolate!"
The man looks around some more and says " I'll guess I'll have the chocolate ice cream with sprinkles then." The clerk says " can you say V as in vanilla?"
"Sure...V"
" And can you say S as in strawberry?"
" Sure can.....S"
" And can you say F as in chocolate?"
The man says " There's no F in chocolate"
The clerk says " That's what I've been trying to tell you!!!!"

(Say the bold part out loud)
:p :p :p :p
 

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Premium Member
'06 FPR Smokin Asphalt; '04 Ulta Violet
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3,859 Posts
USMC---Kinda long, but the ending is good :ROFLMAO:
Image may contain: one or more people, people standing, cloud, car, outdoor and nature
Joe Gonzalez
May 4 at 9:53 AM
Two Texas Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on Hwy 77, just south of Kingsville , TX.
One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the town of Kingsville . The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour and climbing.
The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then it suddenly turned off.
Just then a deafening roar over the Mesquite treetops on Hwy 77 revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near this, it's Naval Air home base location in Kingsville TX.
Back at the Texas Highway Patrol Headquarters in Corpus Christi the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the US Naval Base Commander in Kingsville for shutting down his equipment.
The reply came back in true USMC style:
'Thank you for your letter....
You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.
Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment's location.
Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position on the side of Hwy 77 So. of Kingsville .
The pilot suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech.
Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.'
Semper Fi
 

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2,340 Posts
USMC---Kinda long, but the ending is good :ROFLMAO:
Image may contain: one or more people, people standing, cloud, car, outdoor and nature
Joe Gonzalez
May 4 at 9:53 AM
Two Texas Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on Hwy 77, just south of Kingsville , TX.
One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the town of Kingsville . The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour and climbing.
The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then it suddenly turned off.
Just then a deafening roar over the Mesquite treetops on Hwy 77 revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near this, it's Naval Air home base location in Kingsville TX.
Back at the Texas Highway Patrol Headquarters in Corpus Christi the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the US Naval Base Commander in Kingsville for shutting down his equipment.
The reply came back in true USMC style:
'Thank you for your letter....
You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.
Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment's location.
Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position on the side of Hwy 77 So. of Kingsville .
The pilot suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech.
Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.'
Semper Fi
That's hilarious!
 

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The Susan Lucci of ROTM
2004, lowered, custom paint
Joined
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1,894 Posts
A man walks into bar for a drink. He notices a large jar of cash behind the bar and asks the bartender about it. He says "for five dollars, you can try to win the pot."
"Okay," says the man. "What do I have to do?"
Bartender says" You see big Joe down there at the end of the bar? Well you have to knock him out! And then, we have a rabid Rottweiler out back with an abscessed tooth. You've got to pull the tooth! And finally, upstairs is 400lb Molly, you have to satisfy her if you know what I mean!
Well the man drinks up a bunch of courage, slaps down a five dollar bill and stumbles towards big Joe. He trips over his own two feet but happens to catch big Joe on the jaw as he's falling and lays him out!
He picks himself up and heads out the back door. Suddenly there's all kinds howling, growling and barking!
The man stumbles all bloody in from the back door and says to the bartender " Now where is this woman with the abscessed tooth!"
 

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